The A word.. Let’s Talk

For some time now there has been a word that we all feel like we can’t say … can’t have thoughts on .. can’t be vocal about … The A word is Anxiety

Most people have some form of this weather it is strong  or not .. it’s there like a bad friend on a  drunken night

Anxiety is  “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. “

I have anxiety .. I have an unwelcome uneasy feeling that sometimes I just can’t get past .. It’s like a bad house guest that just won’t leave  that also tells you how crappy you are ..even though you know you’re  not

Anxiety can stop you from living your life .. doing things that  you normally would be able to do no problem .. For me its driving  outside my safe zone and routes .. thank you car accident .. It can also accelerate things  .. you didn’t reply  right away to a text , you’re a bad person .. did you lock your door , you better go back and check .. did you leave something turned on, oh no your house is going to burn down .. For me anything  slightly  misfortunate happens and I go to the extreme .. When I was younger I lost my job , right away I went to I’m going to lose my car .. my precious car ( I had a new job in a week )  or even 2 years ago I was laid off twice in 7 months .. I thought I was going to have to sell my condo and my car and move home  I was never unemployed more than 2 weeks .. I would have been ok  .. but no it was defcon 5

Anxiety is pretty Isolating too .. do  I want to go out and have fun with my friends .. of course .. It hurts how lonely I am inside .. but can I  do anything about it  .. sure cant!! I feel like when I reach out to my friends that have told me that they are there for me no matter what that I’m just bothering them .. When they don’t text back right away I feel like  they are mad at me or I did something wrong .. So I sit at home on my couch  feeling like an unliked bother because its crippling .. I’m told that if I need something or someone my friends are there for me which is so appreciated .. but do you think I can ask for the help  when I need it .. nope!

I also am unusually hard on my self  .. My parents have never been anything but supportive yet I demand perfection of myself and when that’s not  there I am a failure .. I bought my house when I was 25 because I decided that I needed to before I turned 26  .. I put my career in front of my happiness and became the operations manager for BC .. I was the Boss of a multimillion dollar branch .. people trusted me with employees !!  I had my own brand new car .. I had a healthy RRSP  all when I was 29 .. I put other stuff ahead of my happiness then 30 hit .. I lost my job  and felt like I had nothing to show  for my life so far … I was single with no job I failed myself

I  have spent the last 2 years trying to date .. I start to talk to one and I want to meet them but  what if they don’t like me .. I don’t even like myself half the time  how could anyone want this .. I’m not good enough for them .. really I could go on but this isn’t meant to be a pity party .. I go all in when I meet someone and think  wow this is going to happen and  then they turn in to the normal Vancouver special .. see prior blog posts…  they treat me like I’m disposable but I still always give them another shot .. oh yeah anxiety messes with your self-confidence if you haven’t noticed yet .. super rad  it also makes you  a worrier .. I always need to try and fix things and be there for everyone ahead of myself  obviously .. others are more important . have to make them happy so they like you and want to be your friend

So how do you fix yourself .. for me I go to therapy usually once a month .. mostly to help me with my driving anxiety , but dealing with that has brought out all these other things  that need to be dealt with .. super fun !!  you go to a place where I don’t know isn’t an answer .. your vulnerable you have to be open with a stranger  when most of the time you’re not even open with your self .. and trying to figure out the disconnect of what you know is true and what you feel .. cause let me tell you those are not the same and usually are the complete opposite ..  a downside to anxiety is it usually brings his old friend depression along with makes you  feel sad and alone just because.. I feel that my anxiety makes me depressed by isolating myself and not asking for help .. you can work yourself into a pretty dark place if you let it ..  for me it usually wins .. I’m lucky I don’t go to a bad bad place  because some people may feel that is their only options and help is too far away ..

If you have a friend that is like me or has some of the withdrawn , not themselves signs .. ask them to go do stuff .. it honestly means the world to feel included in others’ lives and I love the human interaction .. I crave it ! and even myself I see these things in some of my friends and I make it a point to ask them out and about even though its killing me to be out but I know how much it means to me I can only assume that it means that way to them as well

Anxiety and Depression are a mental illness .. people need help and a someone to listen .. If you can  be there for someone   you will make some ones days by just listening .. Bell Let’s Talk  days are super important  to helping raise money to  provide help for people who don’t have the means to help themselves .. so Retweet that tweet .. Share that Picture .. Use the hashtag  .. it matters to someone … It matters to me

Here are a couple  really well written articles that are worth a read to get some perspective about how someone is feeling