One Raincloud at a Time Please !

It’s a rainy day and all you feel like doing is sitting on your couch and binge watching the latest season of whatever you are interested in …. This is kind of how I feel everyday . I find it a struggle to get out of my pajamas to really even walk my dog .. I think of excuses to get out of social settings even though I crave human interaction .. I consistently think that people are mad or upset with me if I don’t go out . I put off going out with guys that show interest cause I believe once they meet me they will have no interest in me and I’ll be left with that rejection , Which could be pretty crippling  to someone that  is already having that hard time .
Depression & Anxiety .. it is such a social  no no to talk about it and share with others that you aren’t in a good place , you just aren’t strong . There are lots of things that can help with this , My fav became boxing .. you get such a high punching and kneeing a bag , and if your mad picturing who your mad at is the best !… for me this coping mechanism became unavailable to  me about 10 months ago .
 
I lost a fight with a dodge Ram .. Now before you mumble girl driver .. he ran the 4 way stop during the nasty windstorm last August and I’ve been  dealing with that ever since ..  for the first 7 months after I went to physio twice a week .. I was getting out of my house socializing  which was a nice thing . Then probably in the last 2-3 months since I  stopped going to much and transitioned into once  a week things kind of changed, Depression and anxiety can either slowly creep up on you or just appear literally out of thin air , mine took the slow and steady route .. as the weather is getting better I’m now noticing all the things I can’t do .. Can’t go to the Driving range , I can’t play on my soft ball team ( I still force myself to go for social interaction) , I was going to learn tennis this year .. can’t go on any real hikes just have to keep my moderate length walks to a flatter surface . going for a long drive becomes a little uncomfortable .  Can’t go Zip lining , Amusement parks  .. fun stuff off the table ..  for the foreseeable future
 
Now you tell me if that isn’t a Depression breeding ground !  and from that  you get anxieties .. and you  alienating your friends ..that they are constantly mad or disappointed in you .. that you couldn’t possibly find someone to like you in the broken state you are in . Always seeing that glass half empty. I now don’t instigate plans .. I pretty much didn’t bother with my b-day cause I just didn’t want to bother people with me , luckly I have some Gems in my life that showed up .. but still a little deflating when others don’t even bother .. especially when you made an effort for them. The downfall of human relationships sometimes is what you put into them and what you don’t get back , I have to sometimes remind myself and step back from someone if I don’t get  anything back as I am such a people pleaser its hard  to make the cut like that , but I’m so worried about how others think of me and if they are mad or upset with me for putting myself first .. Anxiety is bit*h really .. never ending
 
You need to be able to talk to your Dr or someone you trust about what your feeling .. This shouldn’t be something that you keep inside because you are afraid of what people may think of you … and probably because you are not the only person that feels this way .. Depression and Anxiety is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about .. I have finally told my DR .. It may have taken 6 -8 months but I wrote down all the feelings  I had in the last 6-8 months and how ever scary that list was I made sure to tell the Dr .. I was told about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from a good Friend of mine that used it and I could see the difference in him  after a few sessions ..  So I have suggested that to the Dr and she agreed that it was a great choice for me and was happy I was proactive about it and Wasn’t just looking for meds, which is something I really don’t want to do anyways  .. So now I have a “prescription” for 6 months of this CBT therapy and I’m looking forward to being able to retain my brain .. I know I’m not Useless and I’m not a bother to my friends .. but what your heart and your brain tell you are 2 totally different things  .
 
If you ever feel like you are trapped and you can’t see a way out .. there is always someone around to send you a life raft . I may have my own problems but I’m an excellent  listener and I don’t judge . So if your reading this and you need to reach out even to just ask a question  please feel free to ask . I’m going in to this like an open book and think it should be a more socially acceptable subject of conversations .